Up
You!!
Childhood
Insults
If you’re human, there is no reprieve from rudeness and
combative verbal play, even when you are a child. In fact,
childhood functions as a litmus test of verbal abuse. If you
can’t survive the linguistic detritus at this age, your future
life will be a study in constant tears and sniveling.
The fun begins with a series of insults intended to assess and
condemn your relative intelligence. If you have been called a
“doofus” or “dork brain” you have been classified by your
peers as an idiot. However, there is a distinction in the
terminology. A dork brain is more specific, since it refers to
the weakness of one’s synaptic processes, and therefore it is
probably a slightly nicer thing to say than “doofus,” since
doofus takes a poor view of one’s countenance, bearing, and
general dress sense. Of course, you could be called the
dreaded “booger” which is really the bottom of the barrel in
the social classes of childhood insults. No one wants to be
compared to mucus. Mucus, as we all know, has no discernable
ambition, except to flow onto your sleeve.
UK and in
business? You may need
employers liability cover or
public liability insurance. Family man? You'll need family car insurance then. Young driver and hard up? Perhaps no deposit car insurance will help balance your budget.
Being perceived as intelligent, unfortunately, does not save
you from being taunted. If you wore glasses as a child, you
were undoubtedly branded a “four eyes,” which is perhaps one
of the more abstract and thoughtful insults, as it is both
visual and imaginative. Having four eyes could be beneficial,
even referential to certain Eastern concepts of the divine.
Oddly enough, in schoolyards, this moniker generally
translates into an invitation to have your glasses crushed
underfoot by brutish representatives of the staunchly pro
two-eyed movement. If you should develop a nervous tic after
having your glasses destroyed and your body pummeled and
bruised, you may inherit the title of “spaz.” A spaz is a
special combination of undesirable traits. Don’t panic: while
a nervous tic on its own can garner you this title, a true
spaz will demonstrate poor coordination, odd syntax, weird
conversational topic choices, and, likely as not, an
unpleasant personal odour. Cheer up: most four eyes have only
temporarily been a spaz, until they could get new glasses and
learn to crouch unobtrusively in hallways during recess.
If you perceive yourself as being better than everyone else,
you will receive the sour distinction of being called a
“stuck-up priss,” which is just a syllable away from
scatological disaster. While we’re on the topic: skidmarks and
poopy pants apply to those individuals who have not yet
mastered their personal hygiene technique.
Should you, as a young student, attempt to escape the vile
wretched mass of your foul-mouthed peers and form a bond with
your instructor, you’ll be known as a “Teacher’s Pet.”
Relax: there’s an insult for everyone.
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