Adolescence   Adult   Antique   Reclaimed

Up You!!

Childhood Insults

If you’re human, there is no reprieve from rudeness and combative verbal play, even when you are a child. In fact, childhood functions as a litmus test of verbal abuse. If you can’t survive the linguistic detritus at this age, your future life will be a study in constant tears and sniveling.

The fun begins with a series of insults intended to assess and condemn your relative intelligence. If you have been called a “doofus” or “dork brain” you have been classified by your peers as an idiot. However, there is a distinction in the terminology. A dork brain is more specific, since it refers to the weakness of one’s synaptic processes, and therefore it is probably a slightly nicer thing to say than “doofus,” since doofus takes a poor view of one’s countenance, bearing, and general dress sense. Of course, you could be called the dreaded “booger” which is really the bottom of the barrel in the social classes of childhood insults. No one wants to be compared to mucus. Mucus, as we all know, has no discernable ambition, except to flow onto your sleeve.

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Being perceived as intelligent, unfortunately, does not save you from being taunted. If you wore glasses as a child, you were undoubtedly branded a “four eyes,” which is perhaps one of the more abstract and thoughtful insults, as it is both visual and imaginative. Having four eyes could be beneficial, even referential to certain Eastern concepts of the divine. Oddly enough, in schoolyards, this moniker generally translates into an invitation to have your glasses crushed underfoot by brutish representatives of the staunchly pro two-eyed movement. If you should develop a nervous tic after having your glasses destroyed and your body pummeled and bruised, you may inherit the title of “spaz.” A spaz is a special combination of undesirable traits. Don’t panic: while a nervous tic on its own can garner you this title, a true spaz will demonstrate poor coordination, odd syntax, weird conversational topic choices, and, likely as not, an unpleasant personal odour. Cheer up: most four eyes have only temporarily been a spaz, until they could get new glasses and learn to crouch unobtrusively in hallways during recess.

If you perceive yourself as being better than everyone else, you will receive the sour distinction of being called a “stuck-up priss,” which is just a syllable away from scatological disaster. While we’re on the topic: skidmarks and poopy pants apply to those individuals who have not yet mastered their personal hygiene technique.

Should you, as a young student, attempt to escape the vile wretched mass of your foul-mouthed peers and form a bond with your instructor, you’ll be known as a “Teacher’s Pet.”
Relax: there’s an insult for everyone.